Better Than Me
by Alieyxa
Summary: [Oneshot][Songfic][AxC]'I told myself I won't miss you, but I remembered...' Athrun and Cagalli reflect on Athrun's departure from Orb to fight in the Second War, their relationship, and their time together and apart. [Disclaimer: I don't own GSD]


Better Than Me

_I think you can do much better than me_

_After all the lies that I made you believe_

Athrun Zala stared at the floor of his quarters, from his seat on his bed. His red ZAFT uniform jacket was open and Cagalli's haumea amulet hung off his neck.

If someone asked him if he regretted re-enlisting, he would say no. If someone asked if he believed in what he was fighting for, he would say that yes, he did. I someone asked him if he missed Orb, or regretted having to leave the one thing he truly cared for in order to fight, he would be lying if he said: no, he didn't regret it..

Because, Athrun Zala knew that if had made one big mistake in his life--and he had made many--it was leaving Orb.

_Guilt kicks in and I start to see_

_The edge of the bed_

_Where your nightgown used to be_

When had it all started? Hadn't he promised her that he would always protect her? Stay by her side? When had all those nights they spent in each others arms, away from prying eyes, and when he had really been Athrun Zala and not Alex Dino…when had they faded away? When had they gotten so far apart?

_I told myself I won't miss you_

_But I remembered_

_What it feels like beside you_

Athrun knew that those nights had faded away because he didn't want to think about them…he couldn't. Not when, every night that he fell asleep in this bed, he missed the warmth that used to lie beside him. He missed her presence.

_I really miss your hair in my face_

_And the way your innocence tastes_

_And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

Athrun didn't just miss the nights, he missed being around her all the time. He missed her voice, her eyes, her smile, her kisses. He missed their late night talks, her golden hair…Athrun smiled weakly as he remembered one of the arguments they had gotten into a few weeks before the meeting with the Chairman--before this war had started. It had been about shampoo. Cagalli had said that she was getting bored of the smell her shampoo gave off. She wanted to find a new one. But Athrun had laughed and told her that he, as a matter of fact, was used to that smell. It was a part of her distinct scent, a part of what made Cagalli, Cagalli. He told her that he liked the smell of it. Cagalli had responded by asking him if he had been smelling her hair.

Athrun had to laugh at the memory. They had been all alone in her room, and it was just before bed. He had told her that it was hard not to smell it when she insisted on sleeping with her back to him, in his arms. He had said that her hair was always getting in his face in the middle of the night. That night, she had made a point to wait until he was asleep, then flip her hair right over his eyes. He hadn't woken to sunlight--though her hair was the same color and it had taken him a few moments to realize what he was looking at--but to Cagalli's hair in his eyes. She was already awake, and had laughed when he sat up, confused for a few moments before he remembered the previous night.

Athrun missed times like those. He missed her. God, he missed her.

But still, now that he had left her, re-enlisted…now that he had been an absolute bastard and left her with nothing but a kiss and a ring…Athrun couldn't help but feel that, as much as he missed her and as much as he loved her, he wasn't worthy of her.

She had told him many times that she loved him, that they would always be together, that they were perfect for each other, and Athrun knew that she was telling the truth. And he loved her, with all his heart he loved Cagalli, but hadn't he just spent all evening with Meyrin? Hadn't he just eaten dinner with her instead of on his own, or even with Rey and Shinn? And hadn't he spent countless hours talking to Lacus--his ex-fiancée--back when they were still in Orb? When he was still living with Cagalli? Hadn't he just named two girls that he had spent a lot of time thinking about, who weren't Cagalli?

He wasn't cheating on her, it just felt like he wasn't…it felt like Cagalli wasn't the only girl on his mind. She should have been. He should have been always thinking of her. Wasn't that what people were like when they in love? Kira was. Kira was always thinking about Lacus, and always talking about her, too.

Athrun wasn't like that, but he still loved Cagalli. He just wished that things--including his thoughts and many of his actions--had been different.

_While looking through your old box of notes_

_I found those pictures I took_

_That you were looking for_

Athrun thought back to the night before he left Orb. He had been packing his bags, when he had come across a camera. Going through the pictures, he realized they were all of him and Cagalli. She looked so happy, so in love with him.

Athrun knew then, when he was looking through the pictures, that he would hurt her by leaving. But, he had thought, he would be back. He would live and come back to her, and everything would be like it was. He could wake up with golden hair in his eyes again, and hear her ringing laugh when he whispered a joke in her ear on the way to a meeting.

Now, though, he wasn't so sure. How could he go back to her after all he had done? After all the times he knew he had hurt her? What if, next time he went back, he hurt her again, and this time she wasn't able to mend? What if he died? What if…she didn't love him anymore?

Athrun shook his head. He shouldn't be thinking about her. Not in the middle of a war. No matter how much he ever loved her…how much he still loved her. And there was no question about it…right?

_If there's one memory I don't want to lose_

_That time at the mall_

_You and me in the dressing room_

But there was another part of Athrun's mind that was telling him that he had to think about her. He had to think about her, or else he would risk forgetting all those times they had shared in the few years they had known each other. He would risk forgetting how they met on the island--their island--during the first war; how he had told her that he would always protect her, just before the battle at Jachin Due. He would risk forgetting their first kiss, the first night they spent in each other's arms…he would forget every time Kira had told him 'don't you dare hurt my sister'. He would forget every time he broke that promise.

He didn't want to forget.

_I told myself I won't miss you_

_But I remembered_

_What it feels like beside you_

_I really miss your hair in my face_

_And the way your innocence tastes_

What was he doing? Why was he locked in a mental battle, over whether to think about her or not? Shouldn't the answer to that be obvious? And why…why did he leave her? Why did he leave her?

Athrun reached a hand up to grasp the amulet around his neck.

"Cagalli…I'm sorry…"

--

"Athrun…"

Cagalli whispered his name as she looked at the ring on her finger. She clutched her pillow tighter.

She often wondered…did he know about her almost-wedding with Yuna? Had word reached him on the Minerva, wherever he was? She wished she could have told him. She wished she had a way to relieve this pain in her chest...the pain of knowing something that he didn't…and it was only magnified by the fact that she knew he would be jealous; Cagalli knew, beyond a doubt, that Athrun would have flown into a rage if he had known--if he had been forced to be there at the wedding, as merely her bodyguard.

But still…she didn't like knowing things that he didn't. It made her feel like they weren't equals anymore.

_And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

Athrun was…well, Athrun. Even as Cagalli admired the ring he had given her, she couldn't put a finger on just what she liked--no, loved--about him. She just loved him, as a whole.

_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder_

_Wish I never would've said it's over_

_And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older_

_Cause we never really had our closure_

Cagalli felt a chill run through her body as she thought of the day he left to go back to ZAFT. Why? She had asked herself why he had left her since that day, and still had no answer. Why did he go? Why did he leave? Why did he give her this ring?

Cagalli wished with all her heart that she could have said more to convince him to stay. But deep in that same heart, she knew that nothing would have stopped him. His father…his father had always been a sore spot in Athrun's heart. He wanted to protect the PLANTs from the memory of his father. He wanted to protect them. That was why he rejoined ZAFT.

So why was she wishing that he could have stayed here, with her? Was she really that selfish? Was she so selfish that she wanted him to be with her instead of saving the lives of others? But then again, he was also killing. He had to kill as a soldier to protect.

But it wasn't the killing that bothered her. She knew that, and she acknowledged that. And she herself, had killed sons, and fathers, and cousins and brothers. She knew all about that.

It was the fact that the only goodbye she got, or gave, was a kiss, a ring, and a 'be careful and please come back'. She hadn't even said, 'please come back to me.' She hadn't been able to say it.

If she had said it, would it have counted as proper closure? Was it possible to even have closure to a relationship that really never officially started?

_This can't be the end_

_I really miss your hair in my face_

_And the way your innocence tastes_

But then…Cagalli sighed. She knew that she hadn't imagined the nights they had spent together. She knew that she wasn't imagining the feelings she had for him, and the feelings she was sure he had for her. She was sure of it.

She was also sure that, above all feelings of longing, love, and even a bit of guilt, she missed him. And now she knew that it was, by far, worse to miss someone than to long for them; and yes, there was a difference.

When you long for someone, you know that you can't have them. You know that they are far out of your reach, and that they are something that is very unattainable.

When you miss someone, you know that they are just within your grasp, but you want to hold them closer. You want to hold them in your arms and whisper, no matter how many times you've said it before, that you love them.

The difference between the two is that you can only miss something that you can only remember. You long for things that were usually never yours to begin with. Athrun had been, if only for a short time, hers. He had been hers to love, to hold, and to be with.

She missed him, and it was tearing her apart.

_And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

Cagalli knew that, even when he spent hours talking to Lacus over the phone or face to face, that it meant nothing. But she wasn't so sure that he knew that.

Cagalli knew that, even if he was one of the strongest people she knew--both mentally and physically--that Athrun had always been insecure about their 'relationship'. He had worried about getting caught in her bed, about ending up in the public eye. He had worried about not loving her enough, or hurting her again and having Kira rip him to shreds…Cagalli smiled at the memory of Kira, who was shorter than Athrun, threatening his best friend that, were Athrun to hurt Cagalli, then Kira would--and Kira had added an 'I swear to god' here--put his fighting skills to good use. Whether that meant a fist fight, gun fight, or--god forbid--a fight with their mobile suits, Kira had never specified. Cagalli remembered how Athrun had saluted Kira saying 'yes sir', and joking about how he would 'hate to be going out with Kira's daughter'. Kira had blushed beet red when he heard Lacus laughing a few feet behind him, the orphans running in circles around her.

_I really miss your hair in my face_

_And the way your innocence tastes_

Cagalli missed those times. She missed the days of peace when she didn't have to meet with members of her cabinet, and when she wasn't on a warship, and when Athrun was by her side.

She missed the way that the taste and feeling of his kisses always lingered on her lips for hours, and how he would always pull her into some deserted hallway and kiss her silly before she had to go to a meeting. She missed how he had always stayed with her at night, and was always there beside her when she woke up. She missed his face, his voice, his loving eyes, and the warmth of his hand in hers when there was no one looking.

_And I think you should know this_

_You deserve much better than me_

When had things gotten so messed up? When had their relationship become so dysfunctional? And why…why the hell were they so far apart when she needed him so damn much! Why wasn't he here while she was crying? Why wasn't he holding her in his arms and telling her that it was alright? That everything was going to be alright?

And that was when Cagalli realized, perhaps for the first time since Athrun had left, that things really weren't going to be okay.

They couldn't be like this forever, and they couldn't advance their relationship, even if he…Cagalli's eyes stung with more tears…even if they both managed to live through this war, too. And she couldn't stay the way she was, either. She couldn't keep crying her heart out every time she thought of him. She couldn't keep living if she didn't forgive him for leaving. Even if Athrun had always insisted, whenever he had done anything wrong, that it wasn't her job to forgive him.

--

"Cagalli…I'm so sorry…can you forgive me, Cagalli?" Athrun asked to no one, in the silence of his room. His body shook with unshed tears that were beginning to form at the edges of his eyes, as he grasped the haumea amulet around his neck.

--

"I forgive you, Athrun," Cagalli whispered, her eyes fixed on the ring on her finger, and trying to remember the last time she had felt his lips on hers. "Even if you don't want me to…even if…" she choked back tears, "even if you don't think you deserve it and even if you don't love me anymore…I forgive you for everything, Athrun."

_(And I think you should know this)_

_(You deserve much better than me)_

--

A/N: …cheesy ending, much? XD ah well. Well, I think it's a bit cheesy. It's better out of my head now, anyway. : ) Please review! (and yeah, I do know that I should probably be working on chapter seven of GSG…--; )

Arien


End file.
